Monday, December 31, 2007

new years resolutions

today as i was getting on the metro, an announcement came over the loudspeaker: "use of pyrotechnics is prohibited in Wenceslas Square."

so tonight should be interesting.

here are the new years resolutions:
1. this year i'm going to do more things that are not expected of me.
2. i'm going to make more "stupid" decisions. well, not that they're stupid, but maybe decisions that are more of a risk than those i'm accustomed to making.

i'm also going to try to give up coke.

stastny novy rok!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

the patriots can go to hell

so, the new england patriots are 16-0.

i hate them.

i hate that they are a dynasty, and that everyone thinks they are one of the greatest teams in NFL history. i hate tom brady. i don't think he's all that good -- i think he got lucky to be on a strong team. i'd like to see what he could do with the miami dolphins.

remember the first year the patriots won the super bowl? when they played the oakland raiders in the snow, and they won that game mostly because of a bad call? i think it was fumble vs. forward pass. what if the call had gone the other way? our lives would be 100% better.

i might not really have the sports knowledge to argue that the patriots are not as good as everyone thinks they are. but i can say this: the patriots at 16-0 proves that the NFL is boring. most people think it's a good thing to have these dynasty teams, that it proves what an exceptional group of people have been behind the management and coaching of one club in the last decade or so. but i can guarantee you the only people who are REALLY excited about this live in new england, whatever states or cities make up that region (massachusetts, vermont, new hampshire...connecticut? does maine count? what about new york? rhode island? do they even get any input? i have no fucking clue). to everone else? they resent the hell out of it.

i honestly don't care if the steelers get nowhere in the playoffs this year. i just want the patriots to lose, embarassingly.

so, if it were the steelers winning three or four superbowls within a decade, yeah, i'd be whistling a different tune. this also proves that the "rules" of what makes football good change relative to whether they are happening to your favorite team or one of the other 31.

that being said, since the steelers are not the 00s patriots, i'm pissed that they are doing so well. it's boring and predictable. at the beginning of the season, everyone thought the patriots would be unstoppable. and they were. it's yet to be seen what will happen in the playoffs, but so far. i'm bored. if the patriots win the superbowl, this might be one of the most boring seasons ever.

wouldn't it be more interesting if there were a good story to this year's winning superbowl team? like, an underdog winning (like the sixth-seed steelers two years ago). i'd much rather see the packers win this year, so brett favre can finally retire. he deserves it. everyone thought he should quit years ago, and he didn't, because he loves the game. he deserves it. i hope the patriots and the packers meet in the superbowl this year and brett favre makes tom brady look like a 12 year old playing pickup football in the backyard with his older brothers on christmas.

that would be interesting. the patriots undefeated? lame.

it's been a long december

i missed yesterday. i didn't get a chance to get on the computer all day, except for exactly 9 minutes at globe yesterday, after a lively little exchange with the clerk in the bookstore (who i think is half of the guitar-comedy duo that performs at the globe's open mic night, but i can't be sure).

me: can i use the internet?
guy: i don't know, can you?
me: um. may i? is that what you're looking for?
guy: oh you know that one?

in a perfect word i would have responded "yeah, i've been to third grade." but much like george costanza, i often find the perfect witty, biting remark coming to me hours later.

anyway. i don't have anything interesting to say. we watched true lies last night.

a few months ago i asked my mom to send me some DVDs. i intended for her to send me DVDs i already owned, but instead she bought a few at wal mart. "there were a bunch there for only $5!" in the mix were match point, barefoot in the park and true lies.

i wasn't actually all that excited about watching it, but boy was i mistaken. what a great movie! i totally forgot about it. everyone was making fun of me as i squealed during the action scenes. but come on! there was a lot of dangling from unsteady perches hundreds of feet from the ground, which is one of my worst fears apparently for others as well as myself (second only to being chased up stairs, which also happened!).

we felt that james cameron was jipped by not being given an academy award for his directing. fuck titanic... true lies was amazing.

also, another thing i was thinking... whatever happened to the actor who played Sam on Clarissa Explains It All?

lastly, things i'm not excited for:
a. going back to work.
b. making new years resolutions.

ugh.

Friday, December 28, 2007

the smokiest bar in prague

last night i got a call from drew. i met her at the globe and after a few beers/glasses of wine and some dishing about our respective boy troubles, we decided to mosey elsewhere.

we ended up at u sudu, which i had to make a point this time to remember the name of because i usually can't. when drew asked if i had any idea of where to go, i described it as "that bar that we were at that one night, it's downstairs, looks like old catacombs, the really smoky one..."

eloquent, i know.

most bars in prague are smoky, but if you say to anyone "that really smoky bar," they'll probably know that you're talking about u sudu. it's amazing the amount of smoke in there. i've been there three or four times in recent weeks and every time i wake up the next day ill from the smell of smoke lingering in my hair, in clothes i wore and ones i didn't even have on, on the sheets and pillowcase and blanket. it soaks into your skin, you can taste it in your mouth. i swear, for an entire day after drinking at u sudu, a cloud of smoke follows you around like Pigpen.

so drew and i were having a good time by ourselves, just talking and drinking and whatnot, when a guy came up to us. he rattled off a long schpiel in Czech and i was delighted to be able to proudly exercise my only language skills and say "nemluvim cesky!"

but he got me. english? he asked.

he said something about his friend and himself wanting to sit with us, and that they were going to do a shot and they wanted to buy us one too, so what are you drinking? i'm not as graceful in these situations, so i looked to drew and she said confidently "sure! we'll both have a beer."

so these guys sat down and we talked for a while. the one that was talking to me asked "do you want to play soccer?" and by soccer he meant foosball. we played several games, of which i think drew and "vaclav" beat myself and "honza" (we managed to meet two guys with both of the most common names in prague). honza had some particularly excellent defensive skills, executing some backfield passing on a foosball table that my high school team could never master in real life. i was disappointed to learn that we weren't allowed to spin the handles as hard as we could, and thats just about where my foosball skills end.

it started to get a little creepy when vaclav kissed drew square on the mouth in a post-goal celebration, so we bounced.

i don't know if you noticed but i'm not good at conclusions. basically i woke up this morning drenched in smoke and feeling the several beers and shots of jager. those were the first honest to god czechs i've really talked to, and it was interesting to say the least.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

some archives

i'm afraid of losing all the files on my hard drive, so i'm trying to put most of my writing here as a back up.

i just posted my senior seminar story. it's in May 2006 (i wrote it from January - April 2006). it's quite long but if you're interested, go for it.

i can't decide what i think of it now. i suppose it's not fair to retrospectively edit; but there are things i would change. there are also lots of things i still wouldn't.

it's called "the things we hold on to." i think only 3 people have ever read it.

the world by road

so i'm here at reporter's, again. christmas is officially over (yet, the christmas markets are still open... which i don't understand. close them already so i can walk from mustek to the post office without running into 157 people, milling around eating those sugary roll things and not paying attention to where they're going).

i feel pretty terrible because i've had 6 days of vacation so far and i've been just sitting around. having fun with the girls, of course, but feeling like i/we should have taken advantage of this time off to travel. some did -- lori to budapest, anna to the mountains, julie, amanda and marie to vienna -- but i just didn't get it together in time. i had wanted to go to italy, but after christmas shopping for myself, buying a new metro pass and filling my phone with credits, i've got about 400Kc leftover.

i've been in europe for almost 4 months and i've barely been anywhere. dresden and vienna for less than a day combined.

one advantage of staying in town was the opportunity to meet lori's friends, steve and steve. all of those stranded in prague for christmas gathered at drew/marie's apartment saturday night. lori had just returned from her trip to budapest and bratislava, which she embarked on with her friends from college -- the aformentioned steve and steve -- who are in the midst of travelling around the world.

i can easily say that every one of the people i've met so far while i've been abroad have opened me up to a new experience or worldview and whether very or maybe only a little different than mine, they've all been valuable. but these two blew my mind. they dropped everything -- quit very secure jobs, cashed in 401Ks, planned for two years -- and have been travelling now for almost a year.

and they're driving all of it. they started in LA, went through new zealand and australia and asia. lori met them as they entered eastern europe. they came through prague on the way to berlin to go through denmark, sweden and norway, back through london and eventually to africa. they still have about 10 months or so left to circumnavigate the globe latitudinally and longitudinally.

talking to them was fascinating. we couldn't stop asking them questions (that i'm sure they've heard a thousand times), but they were always willing to share their stories. they talked about catching dengay (sp?) fever, which causes internal hemorrhaging and at its worst makes you cough blood and bleed from your eyes. hat-of-child steve showed me a scar on his elbow from a cut he stitched himself. i can't remember all the things he told me, and that was only the tip of the iceberg.

it was pretty inspiring. they're smart guys but there's nothing unusual about their story other than they both were willing to do anything to have this experience. it made me feel pretty bad about never having left the united states until i was 23 and staying here in europe without taking advantage of the opportunity to travel.

i can't really put into words how cool it was to meet them and how amazing their story is. you can check out their trip on http://www.theworldbyroad.com. they have a blog and pictures, and you can meet up with them for a part of their journey.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

some artsy-fartsy writer shit

i know what it's like to be close to someone without ever having kissed them; a different kind of closeness. the closeness you feel when someone takes your finger and traces the skyline of their bottom teeth. when they can tell you they don't change their underwear everyday. when you tell them things you've never told anyone, like fights you've had with best friends or things you've stolen or that you sucked your thumb until you were twenty.

i didn't tell you that yet.

but i haven't decided yet which kind of closeness is more dangerous; the sexual kind or the other kind. i don't know which kind is safer or which one is less likely to rip open old wounds.

ugh

dear audience,
i miss you. please come back.
Jen

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

simply having a wonderful christmastime

i want to write a blog today but i really don't have much to say.

i woke up later than usual, around 11, and figured i'd spend the whole day in bed. i was out late last night and i sort of didn't feel like getting dressed, going out in the cold, etc. my gameplan was to sleep and read all day.

i finished "the god of small things" by 1 o'clock or so and then got bored. i headed into town, hoping to find an internet cafe run by someone with very little christmas spirit (so it would actually be open). instead, i ended up at lori's. so we're internetting, possibly watching nip/tuck soon, and eating leftover carp and potato salad.

i never disliked christmas as much as i do this year. my dad always hated it and i could never understand why -- i knew the reason, that it was a holiday he used to celebrate with my mom and it only reminded him that they were divorced. he never bought into all the hoopla -- he hated having a real tree (if it was up to him we wouldn't have had one at all). he played along for a while, but after i reached high-school age, he stopped wanting to put the effort in and we were forced to settle for his compromise -- a three-foot artificial.

i remember senior year, BJ and i drove to the tree lot at the "pitt rent-a-center" and picked out a tree by ourselves. we bought it, strapped it to the roof of my old black cavalier, and put it up ourselves in the living room. we spent hours decorating it as my dad sat in the next room, uninterested. (i can remember every ornament. the gingerbread men, one for each of us -- mom, dad, bj and myself -- made by our family friend, the huge Coca Cola balls that, as a rule, went on the bottom branches because they were heavy, the stuffed animal Flounder from the Little Mermaid. there were so many more, and they're all broken now, water damaged or lost. the lights were the 140 set that played christmas songs and had 12 different blinking patterns.)

my brother would also be left in charge of putting up the outside twinkle lights.

being alone at christmas in prague has helped me understand a little better how my dad must have felt. it's a holiday that makes you appreciate all the good things you have -- family, love, wealth or comfort -- but also highlights the lack thereof. i never thought i'd feel sad about not seeing my family on christmas, or not having anyone special to spend it with. but when i woke up this morning, i didn't want to see anyone -- i just wanted to sleep the day away.

it's even worse because every single person i have encountered makes it seem like the saddest thing ever that i might be alone on christmas. students, friends. i couldn't understand what the big deal was, but now i think i do.

i think the saddest part of christmas is that it ends abruptly -- on the 26th it's over. weeks are spent shopping, decorating, planning, then its gone in a blink. you put away the stockings, the decorations. the lights come down. the tree is un-trimmed. the christmas dinner is now some scant leftovers packed into tupperware. wrapping paper discarded, greeting cards tucked away. on december 26th its like none of it happened. all that build up for one day and then its over.

christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays. i never thought i could be so pessimistic about it.

anyway, we had a great christmas, the six or so of us stranded alone in prague. we made the carp and turkey, got drunk and went to a casino. lori and i even stepped into midnight mass for a few minutes. i'm not a churchgoer but it was amazing. easily the most beautiful church i've ever seen in a country full of atheists. tonight we'll watch nip/tuck and eat leftovers.

tomorrow will be december 26th.

Monday, December 24, 2007

christmas eve

so tonight, for christmas eve, the girls got together to have dinner. lori made a turkey and i was in charge of the carp.

apparently the traditional meal in a czech christmas is carp and potato salad. i don't know why. so, being the testers of new culture that we are, we decided we should eat carp on christmas, too.

yesterday lori and i went to namesti miru to buy the carp. about 6 days before christmas, the carp stands turn up along the streets. it's amazing.

we walked up. a little timid at first, we stood around watching, hoping to see some other people order their carp so we'd know what to do. lori asked the "carp man" if he spoke english, and he didn't. so we decided we needed to ask for "jedna" or one, and if he asked us any other questions we were screwed.

we observed that someone would walk up and say something, then the guy would fish a carp out of a big bucket with a net. he'd throw it on a scale and then ask the person if it was big or small enough. so, we thought we could just say "okay" or maybe say "malo" which is pretty close to saying "small."

we tried that, but he started asking us questions in czech that we couldn't answer. we gave him a thumbs up and a "dobre" to okay the size of the fish, but then we got stuck. luckily, a red-headed lady behind us in line spoke some english. otherwise i think the guy was ready to hand us a live fish. she told him to kill it and gut it.

it was disgusting. maybe i'm just not used to seeing it. a little girl, maybe four years old, was with her father and she seemed to be loving it. she kept leaning over the bucket, trying to touch the live fish. she didn't seem phased at all by the three guys less than five feet away who were chopping the heads off of those same fish.

so they take a fish, weigh it, then the guy promptly kills it by severing its spinal cord (i think?). then he cuts its head off. when we first got there, four heads were sitting on the butchering platform and one was still "breathing," or i guess its gills were gasping for water. this guy was laughing as he chopped off the fishes head. they seemed to take their jobs lightly; five minutes before they were butchering our fish, elbow deep in blood and guts, all three of the fishmongers were chowing down on sandwiches.

they handed back our change, crowns covered in fish blood and guts, and a bag of insides and the fish head. cleaning, skinning and cutting up that fish tonight was one of the toughest things i've done for a meal in my life. it's pretty cool to know what it feels like to actually work for a meal instead of only having it slapped down in front of you.

we've proudly displayed our carp head, named "vaclav," on lori and anna's dining room table.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the white t-shirt roadtrip and other travel plans

everytime i look around my room, i'm disgusted at myself for bringing so many clothes with me. i brought two huge suitcases and a carry on and another big bag, and there is no reason for it. i hardly wear any of it. up until last week, most of it had been dirty since september.

i'm a packrat. i love keeping stuff, but i love keeping it so that someday i can throw it away. nothing feels better than shoving stuff into a trash bag. so, i think it would be equally liberating to travel with hardly anything. instead of lugging three giant suitcases around prague -- through the airport, into a transport van, up the fucking stairs at the villa, into a taxi, up 5 floors in our new place -- wouldn't it be awesome to just have one?

so the next time i travel i'm travelling light as possible. when i get back to the states, whenever that will be, the next big trip i want to take is another cross-country roadtrip. i was just looking at pictures from the trip i took with brendan to LA in june 2006, and it made me want to do it again. i want to take the northern route out to seattle, come down the west coast, then take the southern route through new mexico, arizona, texas, etc. then back up the east coast.

i want someone or several people to come with me, but the only rule is: you can only bring one backpack. you can only bring an extra pair of shoes and jeans, a thicker layer (sweatshirt or long-sleeved t-shirt, maybe a jacket if its cold but this would ideally take place in the summer), underwear obviously, and a pack of plain white t-shirts*. that's it!

everytime i've travelled i overpack and i always think "oh, i'll want to wear all these things..." but i never actually want them. i always end up wearing jeans and a t-shirt. and it's better that way, because who cares.

my other travel plans are: the trans-siberian railway. from january on i'm saving money so i can go in july.

let me know if you want to join me.




*piece of advice: if you ever find yourself in the men's department in target/walmart/your respective discount department store, purchasing your plain white t's, and you're trying to decide between the five-pack of Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, always buy Hanes! I've made this mistake one too many times.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

saturday, bored.

i spent the whole day inside. i woke up at 10, read a little, ate some soup for lunch, sat around some more, took a nap, took a shower. you cannot imagine how boring it is to be alone in a strange city with no internet, tv, or way to watch movies. i guess i could go out and "do something" but its really cold, and i kinda don't feel like it. it's the first day of christmas break, which i think is suitable only for loafing around. but i couldn't stand being inside anymore so i went to use the internet.

so i'm sitting in this little cafe, called reporter's, that's nextdoor to my apartment. it just opened maybe two weeks ago. it's pretty cool inside, but i don't think anyone knows about it because i'm always the only one in here. the barkeep speaks english a little, so basically the two of us just sit in silence while i use the internet and he texts on his phone or reads. he usually puts music on. (today, i think the same song played for 20 minutes). it's the kind of situation where you would usually talk with the other person or else it would be super awkward, but its not for us, because we do not share a common language. so we both mind our own business, which is nice.

today, however, i'm not alone at reporter's. i'd been here for 45 minutes or so by myself, and then this older gentlemen came in. i've never seen anyone else come in that didn't know the person working at the time, so i assume that the only other patrons are friends of the business. he started speaking to the barkeep. after a while, though, the barkeep stopped listening. he came back over and sat at the computer like he usually does while this guy kept yapping away -- which leads me to believe this guy is a crazy drunk.

the guy kept talking at him, and he'd answer occasionally, sometimes even walking over to the bar to chat.
sidebar: that song that played for 20 minutes earlier just started again! he must love it.
anyway, so the guy kept talking and then started motioning to me. he said something to the barkeep, who replied in czech "she speaks english."

then the weird guy went: "anglicky! anglicky! you speak english?" to me. i said yes. he said "so you are english?" and i said "no, i'm from the united states."

"oh!! the united states! so, ac/dc and judas priest!"

i pretended i couldn't understand him, but he definitely asked me something about ad/dc and judas priest. presumably he wanted to say that he either knew they were american bands (and actually i think ad/dc are from australia, right?) or that they were bands he thought i'd like.

i just sorta shrugged. he made a motion like "oh, nevermind." then just kept yapping away.

so, two other guys just came in, and they all seem to know each other. i'm kinda nervous and actually really, really glad i can't speak czech, because i can just sit here and eavesdrop on them.

i'm so bored.

Friday, December 21, 2007

pitt basketball memories!

yesterday, i learned how to use titles. i couldn't figure it out. turns out you have to turn them on...
i'm smart.

pitt beat duke!

i don't know about everyone at pitt, but is this the "same old, same old" story - where pitt does really well in the preseason, only to disappoint in the tournament - or is this year different? i want to say beating duke is a pretty big deal, regardless if it was only by one point in overtime. i haven't seen any pitt games this season, so they could be playing like shit for all i know.

i guess there's always a year when a team surprises you. sometimes it takes 15 years (and counting - for the pirates), but pitt has been strong for ...what... 5 or 6 seasons now?

it seems like every year has been marked by some sort of failure instead of triumph. i can still remember freshman or sophomore year (not sure -- i guess i can't remember that well after all), donatas zavakis whining on the sideline as pitt lost prematurely in the tournament. i think they got to the sweet sixteen? who knows.

remember when yuri demetris punched his girlfriend in the face? i wonder whatever happened to him.

chris taft looked like snoop dog and/or plaxico burress.

carl krauser was never as good as brandin knight.

2 years ago, the scoreboard on the TV during pitt's matchup with bradley in the second round read "BRAD PITT."
haha.

i hope this is the year for pitt basketball. jamie dixon deserves it, if nothing else. i'd be kinda sad to miss it because campus will be out of control. go pitt!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

prague public transportation awards

i don't ride the metro much anymore. mostly just the green line. but the best thing about riding the metro (other than metro surfing) is seeing the signs on the wall that identify the metro stop. some of them are really cool, and some of them are downright ugly.

i've decided to rank them.
best: hloubetin on the yellow line. i've always been a sucker for the yellow-green-blue color combination. also noteworthy, cerny most is a boring stop (color-wise), but the coolest thing ever is seeing the scenery go by through the tinted windows that enclose the tracks after it comes up from underground.

runner up: namesti miru/JZP. mustek is okay, but the green-yellow is a little bit of a cop-out, considering those are the colors of the lines that intersect there.

honorable mention: namesti republiky (chrome!) and starometska.

worst: almost all of the stops on the red line are boring. they all look the same. so take your pick.

this is an ongoing project because i've yet to see every stop. also, my next project is "best tram line." there will also be a category for "most difficult line to tram surf" and "line that could use more frequent trams."

stay tuned.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"if you lose your mind, come back."

i was just looking at pictures from my last "american vacation," when jocelyn and i went to DC to visit brad and ngav.

it was the middle of august. oppressive heat. we were in the adams morgan area of DC at dan's cafe, my favorite completely irresponsible place to drink in our nation's capital. if you aren't familiar (which is a shame), it's situated in a dirty basement. it's tiny and always crowded. it smells like a zoo. the bartenders are grumpy. best of all, the drinks: if you unsuspectingly ask for a "rum and coke," for $11 the pile-of-sunshine barkeep hands you a glass (probably somewhere in the ballpark of 8oz) of rum, a can of coke, and a bucket of ice. basically... a shitshow ensues.

you and your party end up completely wasted, but it's also a place that's pretty conducive to meeting new people. somewhere between my "gin and tonic" and falling asleep on the metro, brad, jocelyn and i befriended some guys and one girl who were standing near our table. i believe the events unfolded thusly:

jocelyn got up to go to the bathroom. i couldn't hear what they were saying, but a group of three guys started talking to her. she came back to our table and told us about it, saying they were being kinda creepy. i suppose i thought it wise to give them a piece of my mind. the one guy came over and this is the conversation we had:

me: "you're a creep!"
guy: "what? why?"
me: "you touched my friend!"
guy: "i just wanted to dance!"

(note: there is no dance floor at dan's)

i guess instead of haranguing (i think i spelled that wrong but unfortunately my dictionary is being held hostage :P ) them, we were at that point of drunkenness where you suddenly become best friends with strangers instead of trying to fight them (lucky for brad). so these guys just sat right down at our table, and we talked about who knows what... (i think they made fun of brad's magazine and pointed at jocelyn's boobs a lot).

anyway the whole point of this story is that i never managed to catch their names, but i remember the words on the back of the one guy's shirt, and they were: "if you lose your mind, come back." i don't remember what was on the front of his shirt, but i assumed it was some band, probably dave matthews or something.

i did some intense research (googled it) and found out it's a buddhist saying.

i didn't find much interpretation, and on the first read it didn't really make sense to me. but i suppose it means if you find yourself feeling lost, all you have to do is simply come back. and because the solution is so simple, maybe it means that you weren't really lost in the first place. you're looking for answers and getting lost, but maybe you knew the answers all along.

maybe i'm looking at it the wrong way, but it doesn't really matter, does it? it's what you make of it. strange what you remember when you've had an entire glass of liquor.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

i don't have much to say today. i've been thinking a lot lately that i really wish i had my guitar here. in retrospect, i could have easily left an entire suitcase of clothes at home and brought my guitar instead. i might try to find a cheap used one somewhere, just to play while i'm here.

i barely touched it last year, which i regret. i wish i could learn to have a better work ethic about things. i don't have any talents. there are so many things i "want" to be good at, but i'm just not a hard enough worker. i think i expect to be good at things without effort, and if i'm not, i get frustrated and give up. obviously this is a negative quality to have if you want to be successful at something.

i have so much time here that i waste. maybe if i had my guitar, and it was the only thing i had left to do, i'd practice.

actually... probably not. i'd probably still take naps.

Monday, December 17, 2007

two days in a row.. holler at yer boy.

ever since i've been teaching english, i notice language a lot more. i think about it all day. it's a little bit odd, but mostly i love it. i spend a lot of time trying to figure out what words mean in czech. we were drilled so much about "teacher language" that everytime i talk to someone i'm wondering if i'm talking clearly and simply enough for them to understand what i'm saying (even native speakers). i've learned a lot of british english, which is cool because even though its mostly the same language, we use it completely differently. i never thought it would be so hard to talk to someone from england. basically, language is on my mind all the time and it's great. my mind is always occupied with thinking about something i love. it's kind of like getting paid to think about your girlfriend or boyfriend all day, and then at some points of the day, talk about them with other people for 60-90 minutes.

uso i've been noticing things i wouldn't have before. today i was listening to my ipod on the tram on the way to class. the song was "playing favorites" by the starting line, which is quite a nice song actually. there's a verse that goes like this:

"wait for me to move out west/
it's okay if you don't/
i hope you know you're my favorite thing about the west coast/
i wish i stayed/
i hope you wait/
i'm counting down the days til california comes"

lovely. but i started thinking about the phrase "move out west," and i realized that i've never heard anyone say "move out east." more often you'll hear "move back east." and i've never heard anyone say "move back west." you always move back to the east and out to the west. obviously you COULD say whatever you want, but i think it's kinda neat that for the most part, the... i don't know what you'd call those...directional prepositions?...(back and out)... follow the pattern of "manifest destiny" ...in america we settled in the east first then went west later. i mean i'm sure there's californians that move east... but do they ever say "move out east?" it seems like the pacific coast is usually the endpoint, and from there you can only go back.

that might seem ridiculous but these are the kinds of things i think about all day. jealous? no? okay...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

my philosophy on advice is that if i were asking for it, i would want to hear the blunt truth. i want to hear what i might know is true but don't want to admit to myself. someone has to be the voice of reason and it's not usually the person asking for advice, or they wouldn't be asking for it.

it's pretty odd to be in a situation that is almost exactly like one that you gave someone else advice about before. you're suddenly like... shit... now i have to follow my own advice.

a few years back, one of my friends (no names to protect the innocent) was lamenting having to leave someone she had met while studying abroad. she was saying that she felt that the things she shared with this person didn't really mean anything because he had gone back home, to his girlfriend, and she was sure she'd never see him again.

i gave her my best attempt at being a wise and insightful friend and i told her that she should be really happy that she got the three months that she did. she could always look back on those three months and remember them fondly. she could remember that this person had a really deep affection for her, even if it wasn't quite manifest in the way it she wanted it to be. and that it doesn't mean any less just because it's in the past tense instead of the present.

so, to me, even though this thing i said to her sounded really idealistic, it also sounded like "the right answer," even if that's hard to follow. really i just wanted to her not to be sad about something she couldn't change.

that being said, i realize now how completely unfollowable that advice was.

this isn't something you can actually do. you can't turn off your feelings for something and transform it into a pleasant memory in a split second. eventually... but after some time. i realize that i was telling her this advice thinking "don't be sad! you have these three months of memories, don't be sad about them, be happy. turn it on like a switch." which is completely crazy. no one can do that.

so i know what i need to do. i've put myself back to two years ago and i'm listening to myself give this advice and telling myself to follow it. but i know exactly why she thought about it feeling meaningless.

this friend wrote this really wonderful story for one of her nonfiction classes about how this guy lived a life she described as transient -- he had no qualms about moving from one part of his life to another, just picking up and leaving everything behind to start something new. he would look at his experience abroad the way that she wished she could. like a great time in his life that's over.

i can't remember the moral of her story, if her prose decided this was an ideal way to live or a sad way. i sort of wish i could be that kind of person, but i know that i'm not and i probably never will be. i don't have the capability of remembering things without placing myself back at that time; it's only one place or the other, now or then, and it's usually then. i was actually just thinking about how often i do that; sit and look at pictures or think about things i've done and wish i was back at those times rather than right now.

i understand why people become writers or musicians or artists or photographers or filmmakers. you want to cement something into the present tense that otherwise would disappear into the past, into memory.

i've never been good at taking my own advice, but then again i don't know if that's true of anyone. i suppose you can either waste your time being sad or just decide to be happy, i just don't know how possible the latter is.

i recently learned the term "gutted" and at first i thought it just meant sad, but now i think it's a little bit more than that. i actually feel like i've been gutted, hollow, i feel like i don't have insides. but maybe you need to feel that way first to make the memories move vivid. like a chrysalis for memories... i don't know.

i'm not sure if i really got at what i'm trying to get at with this.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

i learned something today that, i think in the state i was maybe a few months or a year ago, would have devastated me. i can't really be specific but i guess maybe i realized i'm getting used. but then i thought about it, and maybe i'm using this person, too. and as long as i'm getting what i want maybe i can't be too critical of that person taking advantage on the other end. i think it was nietzsche but i can't be sure, anyway it was some philosopher i studied in "intro to philosophical problems" freshman year, but all relationships are based on a mutual desire of something from the other -- like... hey i'll be friends with Joe because he has a convertible, and i need to get around and look cool doing it, and he'll be friends with me because I can get him pot or something. and we talk to each other in the meantime and enjoy each other's company -- and maybe that's a really simplistic and cynical way to look at it, but think about friendships. why do you have the friends you have? not because you admire them more than anyone else. a lot of my best friends are not perfect people and neither am i. you need something from them. they make you feel better about yourself or make you jealous or make you competitive. they feed to your personality in some way. so maybe we're all using each other. and we try to make it out like using someone is the worst thing you can do, but you do it all the time. normally i'd be pretty upset to learn the piece of information that i did, but who knows what that person would think if they could figure out what i was using them for. we've all got these deeply complicated reasons for seeking out the people that we do, and they're mostly there from childhood, from all the things that happened to us, and they'll never be undone. but they dictate why we need the people that we do. you're using everyone you know, to fill a hole or to highlight a strong point, to superimpose revenge on something that happened to you a long time ago. so, who knows. maybe this is the same thing.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

sort of in the same way that alcohol amplifies all the aspects (good and bad) of one's personality, i think august amplifies all the aspects of pittsburgh's "personality."

it's unbearably hot... i'd compare it to being stuck in the bathroom after a long, hot shower. i walked outside to get lunch today and it felt like the air was trying to strangle me. i complain just like everyone else about the bitter cold in the winter, but i'm almost certain i'd prefer to be cold rather than hot. i don't think there's anytime hotter in pittsburgh than this time in august... and it won't go away until the end of september. christ. i woke up at 2am in a pool of sweat, and that was with the help of jocelyn's window AC unit. i guess they don't make them like they used to -- we had an "emerson quiet kool" growing up (actually i think my brother still uses it, which is a testament to it's unstoppable structural soundness) that would turn my dad's giant master bedroom into an icebox. granted, it was probably an egregious offender to the environment... i can't even fathom the ingredients of the chemical stew that dripped out of that thing onto the grass. but it worked a lot better than the crap thats on the market nowadays. i sound like an old fogey. pioneering the business of waxing nostalgic for a bygone era of home cooling appliances.

and it's steeler's training camp season, which marks the climax, with a collective exhalation, of the whine that has lasted since march about the pirates 15th abysmal season. these are two examples of the need for pittsburgh to get something new to talk about. every year the pirates suck. and yes the management and the ownership is terrible, and doesn't care about winning, and is not upholding what they promised 6 years ago in return for a shiny new ballpark. but frankly, it's old news. i'm tired of hearing about it. but every sports writer in the post-gazette treats the pirates losing as if they just came off a world series win.
also in the realm of i've-got-better-things-to-think-about, it's training camp. and the steelers DID come off a superbowl victory only to wade in the mire of the mediocre. and now there's a new coach. so i guess that entitles the PG to put the goings-on in old latrobe on the front page of the sports section. i mean, don't get me wrong... i'm a steelers fan like everyone else, but it's getting ridiculous..."day 9! today, jeff reed made a 42-yard field goal that allowed practice to end early." who gives a shit. the city lives and breathes hating the pirates and loving the steelers, and that's never more apparent than it is in early- to mid-august.

maybe it's starting to wear a little. i don't know. august, die she must.

Monday, July 16, 2007

i'm terrible at this. but really this time, i'm trying to write more -- hopefully it'll make it easier to keep everyone up to date on my adventures in eastern europe.

i'm starting to feel the creep of sadness about leaving -- most days it still seems too far away to be real, but things are starting to happen to bring it into focus. plane tickets, payments. passport in the mail. it's not so much that i'm afraid to go, it's more that i'm afraid of what i'm leaving. either they'll be too much to come back to or nothing. both options are equally terrifying.

sometimes i think i'm attempting to run away from my problems... or to avoid having to do some work to achieve something in my life. i should have taken this year to write, but i didn't. my fear of failing paralyzed that muscle. i'm still not who i want to be -- just when i think i'm making progress, I meet a random middle-aged Canadian gentleman at the airport bar who tells me he can see straight through what I thought was a confident exterior. apparently you drink a few glasses of jack and you're suddenly dr. phil. i feel like i've done so much, and i don't know what else to do. there is nothing else i can do. maybe i'm looking for a clean slate but i know that's not what i'll be getting.

someone said to me a few months ago "are you just doing this so you can have something to say you're doing next?" i don't think that's true. i want to live abroad and i want this experience, i want to learn another language and become better at English and meet someone who has no clue who the Steelers are and walk on stones in the street that older than everything manmade in this country.

but am i done with this city? i remember things that seem like they're from another lifetime. there's no connectivity, no common thread lacing together the parts of my life. i look back on things and the memories seem like things that happened to someone else. different lives entirely. the stupidest things will trigger it -- the other day i lost myself staring at a flourescent heineken sign at the bar. i watched the inclines move up and down for ten minutes, thinking... how can i leave this. am i really done with this life.

i suppose it's not worth wasting time with what-ifs, but i can't help but think that if my dad were still alive, i wouldn't even be doing this. almost certainly not. it makes me hate myself. this whole life i've been living since December 2003 seems like a trade off. i want him to see this person i've become, that i'm still becoming, but if he could see it then i wouldn't be this person. imagine that.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

how i learned to love the draft (from jockmockery.com)

Up until today, myself and the NFL Draft were mortal enemies. I was tired of reading about it and hearing people talk about it; tired of mock drafts and especially tired of hearing "Sorry, I can't hang out this weekend. The Draft is on."

You're WATCHING the Draft? In the hierarchy of television boredom, I put that right up there before the Antiques Road Show and after watching re-runs of Hawaii 5-0 with my mom.

What's there to watch about it? I mean, there was an America's Next Top Model marathon on. For my money it doesn't get any better than watching Tyra Banks chew out some skinny bitches who "just don't have the passion for modeling" that she does. And Cassie is bulimic? Reality TV gold.

The thing is, I was SO WRONG.
This thing was brimming with drama and intensity.

First of all, I think the whole Brady Quinn thing was grossly mishandled. You could see the discomfort building up. Not drafted in the top 3? Okay, still calm, not time to panic. Jobbed by Miami? Your poker face is starting to betray you, Brayden.

Why wasn't someone milking that for all it was worth?

Whoever left Suzy Kolber in charge of asking the tough questions must have been on drugs. She was creaming her pants just knowing she got to sit as near to Quinn as she did. As the picks got higher and higher, she inched closer and closer.

"Aw, honey, it's okay... how about you ditch your slampiece Lindy and get with a real woman?"

ANYWAY, all she did was ask him how he felt about not yet being drafted, and when he replied with the athlete stock answer of not really saying anything with as many words as possible, she let him get away with it. You know even though he pretended not to be super pissed, he was. Who wouldn't be?

Character was a huge theme this year. Why not say "So, you're getting passed up by a lot of teams here. What do you think is wrong with you?" Better yet, ask JaMarcus Russell why HE thinks no one's drafting Quinn. Or, ask his girlfriend if she's going to leave him now that he's not a top ten pick.

This problem would have been solved if they'd had Steve Young doing the interviews. He's not afraid to piss someone off. He was about to drop kick the commentator who looked like Matthew Perry after he called him out on that "You don't want to have to be the next Dan Marino..." argument.

"You had to follow Joe Montana."

"Oh, did I, Chandler?" Bitchslap.

You could cut the tension surrounding that desk with a knife. You talk badass ex-quarterbacks, you talk Steve Young.

The closest they got to hard-hitting journalism was asking him if he was going to stay even though he was getting passed. What was he going to do, walk out of the Draft? You don't do that. He was staying, even if he had to stay until Sunday. Eleven-thirty tomorrow evening, he's passed out on the couch, shirt all untucked and rocking day-old-shave stubble, hair greasier than it was today (IF POSSIBLE), half-eaten KFC family bucket on his lap when he hears his name.

"Now, with the 297th pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the recently-annexed Pittsburgh Passion select quarterback Brady Quinn from Notre Dame."

Justice.

The best part is he kept saying "There's nothing I can do. It's not my pick."

Yeah, because you're not Eli Manning.

And how about the Jets snaking Darelle Revis from us with 6 minutes left on the clock? I guess people saw that one coming, but I didn't. That was the exact moment I fell in love with the Draft.

Also, if the fans of the team that just drafted you boo when the pick is announced, you're in for a long haul. I can't remember who it was but I want to say it was Green Bay. Have a fun career, buddy.

Case in point, I take back all the whining I did about Draft weekend. Today was amazing, only to be topped by the fact that when I got home, I found out that the old Lothrop What What episodes are now on YouTube. Life is sweet.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

"the tomster, the tommarinooooo. you are the friend i never Met! FABULOUS"

there are two bohemeths of the online social networking world, and they are myspace's tom and facebook's mark zuckerberg. alicia and i were going to present this as one of our point: counterpoints, but her myspace account is malfunctioning like a toaster in a bathtub. seems as though tom is already one in the hole. ANYWAY, the question: who would win in a fight? myspace tom or facebook mark zuckerberg?

this subject has been tackled before, in an inchoate discussion thread in the facebook group "all hail mark zuckerberg" and more prominently in the group " if 43902948.3 people join this group Mark Zuckerberg might fight Tom," but the majority of this group also belongs to the group "1,000,000,000 Browns Fans," so their ability to discuss the subject intelligently is immediately called into question.

as far as site success is concerned, myspace has more users, estimated at around 140 million. the facebook was created as a vehicle strictly for college student networking, not open to all, and was only recently expanded to workplace and regional networks, so it has less and is only the 7th busiest site on the internet. the most prominent feature of myspace is the blog, which facebook countered with the "notes" feature that i really think hasn't caught the wind like they wanted it to. facebook, however, trumps myspace in ease of use, site quality and security. myspace riddles computers with viruses, causes profiles to self-destruct, and routinely presents inexplicable error messages. it's allowance of non-uniform page layouts, music, photos on the comment wall, etc, makes it ugly and cluttered.

has anything about myspace changed since you joined? i can't even remember the original facebook because the current version is so different. facebook may have a team of five goons in an office in palo alto, california, but those kids are constantly working: they probably surf the facebook all day looking for things to improve. if you ever thought "boy, i wish facebook did this..." usually a few weeks later, it does.

last year, yahoo offered zuckerberg a cool billion to buy the company, but zukerberg declined, which leads me to my next point: zuckerberg is a badass. he comes into work in adidas sandals and turned down an 8am conference call because he said he'd still be in bed at that hour. he once had business cards that read "i'm ceo....bitch." do you want to mess with him? i thought so. tom is a more affable character: he extends friendship to every member and leaves his profile open for all to view. i immediately was able to learn that he loves battle-themed movies and his eclectic music taste ranges from guns n roses to the cardigans. he also declares himself "President of Myspace" which is kind of like saying you're the Mayor of America. zuckerberg, on the other hand, is cocooned by his site's own restrictions: i cannot view his profile because i'm not in the harvard or facebook networks. i suppose i could friend him, but would he accept? i can only learn about him by gleaning facts from articles written by outside sources.

one thing we do know about mark? despite his badass nature, he can admit when he's wrong. i submit to you the newsfeed riots of 2006. when millions of lameass facebook users flipped out because zuckerberg made stalking easier for them, he apologized. he stood by his improvements, but gave users the opt-out privacy controls. a badass who can admit when he's wrong? i can't even think of a pop culture icon to compare him to. zuckerberg is blazing his own trails.

but despite tom's openness, how well does he really know his 157271163 friends? has he read each of the 54769 comments? amy addiction says "tom, i love you lots" and someone with an indiscernable handle claims her husband is jealous of tom because she spends more time on myspace than she does with him. but is he really jealous of tom or of her keyboard? i point you to the introductory quote: he is the friend we don't know. mark doesn't extend faux friendship, you have to earn it. tom spreads himself too thin. he wants everyone to like him, and those people never get into fights, let alone win them. winner? mark zuckerberg, on site quality, sheer net worth and badassery.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

here's the thing: i don't care if you are a huge football fan or not, no one really cares about the superbowl unless their team is playing in it. i can't even remember who won the last handful of superbowls, other than last year's. no one in pittsburgh is going to be rioting in the streets tonight either way -- in fact, tomorrow, we'll all probably be thinking about when baseball season starts. which is funny: probably the single biggest sporting event in the given calendar year, and yet, as soon as it's over it's more or less meaningless. i don't remember who even played in that superbowl where janet jackson's nipple was exposed, but i do remember justin timberlake saying it was an "accident." guaranteed, no one cares that the Steelers won last year, except people in Pittsburgh, who will care forever.

that being said, it seems like a hell of a lot of people who have no allegiances to the Colts or the Bears seem to want the Colts to lose. i can think of a lot of teams I wouldn't want to win the Superbowl -- the Ravens, the Browns, the Eagles, the Patriots, the Bengals -- but the Colts aren't even an afterthought. even though this Superbowl is a pretty excellent matchup, all anyone can talk about is how much they want peyton manning to never, ever win a superbowl.

this actually doesn't make any sense. peyton is by far the best quarterback playing the game right now (i guess you could make an argument for brett favre, but he's obviously no longer at his peak), maybe the best since he's been in the league, on a short list for the past decade or two. however, everyone wants peyton to go down in the dan marino flames of great quarterbacks who never got a ring. peyton's definitely way better than tom brady, and that goon has won three already by the grace of adam vinateri's toe.

no one likes peyton manning, and i have no idea why. he (along with favre) is probably one of the best-marketed players in the NFL. brett favre has a lot more fans because everyone, whether they like it or not, knows every detail of his life story -- the struggle with painkiller addiction, his wife's illness, his dad's death, the loss of his home in Mississippi to katrina. its really hard not to want that guy to win. if i could be that guy's friend, i probably would. likewise, i can't think of a player that has been given more personality nationally than peyton manning. he makes carson palmer look like a whiny douchebag and tom brady look like a pretty boy who dates supermodels. petyon comes off way better even in comparison to eli, who is only really known for wanting to be drafted first at any cost, but not wanting to play for the chargers. peyton is the funny guy, the guy who roots for people in office jobs, the down-to-earth guy who realizes that football is just a game that he's lucky to be really fucking good at.

i don't know why everyone chooses to root against peyton when they have no reason at all to dislike him or the colts. despite the fact that the "never won a superbowl" argument is, in my opinion, a stupid one, the fact of the matter is, it will always be the asterisk next to his name, just like it is for jim kelly and dan marino. something in me really wants peyton, the susan lucci of the NFL, to slap everyone in the face this year.