Saturday, October 17, 2009

my bucket list

don't worry, i'm not dying. (at least as far as i know.)* not that you would have begun to worry, necessarily. but i'm not. dying, that is. or worrying about it. much.

anyway, i am a huge proponent of new terms entering the general discourse and also of those terms taking a new shape not identical to their original meaning. it is my hope that we can have bucket lists** for the approach of all sorts of era-ending markers, whether big or small.

you can have bucket lists for moves (as you may remember, i had a "prague bucket list") or starting school, before you get married, before the end of the year, before you have a root canal, before you turn 30, 40, etc. maybe you have a sex bucket list that you'd like to complete before you dump your boyfriend/girlfriend. the possibilities are endless.

i have a bucket list. i don't know what to name it - maybe it's a 2009 bucket list. the "oughts" decade*** bucket list. but, who knows. maybe you don't need an end date? but then what distinguishes a bucket list from a to-do list?

i think there are a few stipulations, such as:
1. must be something that can be completed by a certain time.
so, i can put "write a book" on a bucket list but not "write for at least 30 minutes every day"
2. i had a 2 but forgot it.


anyway, here goes. in no order.

-visit friends in san diego, new orleans, wisconsin, DC, and chicago.
-finish infinite jest
-have something published
-find a suitable bookcase for my room that will hold all my books instead of most of them
-make a prague scrapbook
-see 'where the wild things are,' 'mysteries of pittsburgh,' and 'the road'
-have a pierogi party
-have a quiz night
-go to Bar 11 on the South Side
-write a letter to one of my former students in Prague
-find some unique but not expensive decor for my room
-remember to buy a good knife and some measuring spoons for the kitchen
-go out to a nice**** dinner with a loved one
-get tickets for a Pens game
-think of some creative presents for friends for christmas
-think of a good halloween costume



obviously, to be continued.


what's on your bucket list?




*if you are one of those jagoffs who, anytime death is brought up in conversation, says "well, we're all dying if you think about it," i advise you to stop. you sound like a pretentious douche bag.

**this is tricky, as the element of death is inherent in the term, the word "bucket" coming from "kick the bucket," and the movie "the bucket list" was about two men dying. work with me, though.

***i hope this decade turns out to be one of my lifetime bests so in the future i an wax nostalgic about the "oughts" as i'm sure we will all refer to them. i'm so happy to have lived through the turn of a century.

****nice is relative. i have been wanting to go to Nakama (a hibachi/sushi place) for a while. this is a good example of what i consider nice - not outrageously expensive but probably not somewhere you'd go every week.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

unwritten laws of bathroom etiquette

this is my clarion call for a new unwritten social law. i think forced small talk in the ladies' bathroom should be abolished.

i think that men have this rule. i mean, it's been a while since i've been in a men's room, but isn't it like NOT COOL, if you are a dude, to talk to another dude while both aforementioned dudes are at the urinal? i mean, generally you keep the fraternization to a minimum when you have your dick in your hand, right?

i guess what i want to know is - does this golden rule continue to the hand washing phase of the bathroom experience?

(let's assume for the sake of argument that everyone washes their hands after they use the bathroom. we have a "mandatory" hand washing policy in our office, and by that i mean a sign that says "employees MUST wash hands before returning to work" even though we work in a law office, not McDonalds. i mean, not that i wasn't going to wash my hands anyway.....)

well since ladies don't have that problem because we sit down in single-serve stalls every time, there's the question of what to do when you exit the stall and run into someone washing their hands or primping themselves in front of the mirror? is it okay to pretend they aren't there? because that's what i do.

but it sorta feels like there should be some sort of communication. like, should i greet you? do you need greeted upon entering the bathroom? and like, i just saw you five minutes ago in the hallway and i greeted you then too, so why do i have to do it every time i see you?

"i've mastered communication in this office," my coworker randy said. "i say 'hi, how are you?' and by the time they say 'good,' i'm gone."

and like, say you say hi to someone in the foyer or lobby of the bathroom, the sink area, whatever you want to call it. and you start having a small-talky conversation, but what do you talk about? you obviously don't discuss anything that's going on in the immediate present. and then what? how do you make the transition to the "bathroom act" if you will? do you just stop talking, or do you continue the conversation while you are both in your respective stalls? can you talk to a coworker while you're pooping?

"lousy weather we're having. yeah i finally turned on the heat... well i've gotta get to it, do you want to keep this going or break it up here? meet you at the soap dispenser..."

i think next to the hand washing sign should be a "no small talk" sign. just make everyone's lives simpler.