Wednesday, August 06, 2008

(almost)* liveblogging austrian music television

i haven't had a TV in six months, and have barely watched any television in 11. With my recent move across town I find myself in an apartment with a TV and only one channel** - "gotv," or basically austria's answer to MTV.

having been out of the game for quite a while, i have to admit that when i see videos shown, it has a hypnotizing, paralyzing affect. i spent most of this afternoon listening to and watching music videos, mesmerized. here are some of the most interesting ones i saw:

"Hearts Burned Into Fire," by Bullet for My Valentine

because i was watching a German-language based broadcast, and on first appearances, i totally expected this band to sound like something like motorhead. the guys strode out with cut-off black muscle shirts and bottle-black, shoulder-length hair. the guitarist
played the opening notes on only the fret-board, and i thought "this guy is preparing to rock harder than slash ever dreamed."

i was totally wrong! it was emo! which boggled my mind. there was even a "screamo" break. i'm disappointed already.

"Erdbeben," by Fettes Brot.

I'm guessing these guys are German, but judging by their clothes, they are either sailors, mimes or French. i want to say they sounded a bit like German Reggae, but i don't know if the world is ready for that musical concept. nonetheless, this song was "ubercatchy." the rhythms of the german language lend themselves beautifully to bands that sound like the Bloodhound Gang. and death metal.

"Warwick Avenue," by Duffy

Duffy is allegedly the "next Amy Winehouse," which I think means she sings like she's black. I didn't want to like her, but my walls were bombed after about 2.5 seconds of this song. It's like getting to like Winehouse without the moral responsibility similar to how you feel about having to bail a younger sibling out of a bad situation even though you know they totally deserve what they got. and impetigo.

"I Kissed a Girl," by Katy Perry

This song makes me want to kiss girls, or at least boys that wear Cherry Chapstick.

"That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)" by Panic at the Disco

First of all, I read online that a few months ago, P!ATD officially took the exclamation point out of their name, changing it to simple PATD, which is nice because now, when typing the band name, Microsoft Word will stop recognizing the faux beginning of a new sentence. these guys are nothing if not practical.

the moral of this PATD video: change***. the guys change sizes, ages, generations, space-time continuums, musical instruments and, unfortunately, sound. i don't know about the whole album, but judging on this song, this will not spurn the kind of show that, in order to get pumped up for, you stand outside the open trunk of a friend's car in the parking lot of the Chevrolet Ampitheater shotgunning Natty Light.

next, we were launched into a "hosted by MGMT" segment. i'll have to say that at first, MGMT annoyed the shit out of me, but their video "Electric Feel" has changed my mind. And the one dude can rock a pink bandana like no other. they showed many of their favorite videos, but the stylish headwear segues beautifully into:

"November Rain," by Guns N Roses

I have a new theory about this video, and prepare yourself because it's pretty fucking mindblowing. Slash was totally fucking Axl's new wife.

I have only a cursory knowledge of the autobiographical details that inspired this video. I remember that Stephanie Seymour was Axl Rose's actual girlfriend (wife?) but beyond that I'm clueless. I could have done some research... but Google in the Brain hasn't been invented yet. someday, music video viewers will have to analyze this video without the firsthand knowledge of the zeitgeist**** that our generation has, and this is what they will decide.

In the chapel scene, Stephanie strides down the catwalk towards her future husband, who has shed his perma-bandana for the special day. she's beaming, but as she nears Axl, her smile fades. however, she doesn't bail and the preacher begins the ceremony. everything seems fine, but then its time to exchange the rings: Slash, clearly the best man, fumbles around. he can't find them. Duff McCagan/Izzy Stradlin (no clue) saves the day: he throws up a leather-gloved hand, where the rings rest on his pinky finger. Slash takes them and SLAMS them down on the BIBLE, then does a 180 and blows the joint.

after the nuptials are completed, Axl and Stephanie climb into the "just married" car to head off into the soundstage sunset. but before they drive off, Stephanie looks longingly off into the distance: presumably at nothing, or at the symbolic departure of her single life. but wait! she is actually looking for the one person not present and accounted for: Slash, who had exited the chapel early to prepare to play the most epic guitar solo of the video music era.

at the end of the video, after stephanie's untimely demise, Axl tosses and turns in bed, unable to sleep. Is he tormented about living a life alone after his one true love was taken from him prematurely? or is he tormented by the fact that he'll never know for sure that his best friend was bagging his girl?

i should be winning awards.

*in middle school, our morning news program claimed to be broadcast "almost live, from high atop our school (or something like that, as the AV studio was above my homeroom). "almost live" meant that we recorded it in the morning, but broadcast sometime around 10:30 am. despite this pre-recorded aspect, we didn't stop to correct mistakes or do re-takes, so language trip ups were left to scar the guilty party far into their teenage years. this means that basically, i watched MTV all day and am now blogging about it at 12:30am because i don't have anything better to do.

**later realized i was changing the TV channels, not the cable box channels. We actually have loads of channels, but so far they're all in German.

****I didn't know the name of this song while I was writing this... so, I guess this idea is not as novel as i thought.

****i'm allowed to use German words because this is Austrian TV!!!!!!!

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