there are a million reasons to go and only one reason to stay

it's that time of year again in prague: leaving time. spring and early summer is usually when people choose to make their exit (surprisingly, not winter), and this year i can't exclude myself from that bunch.

it's one thing to say goodbye to people you've are close with, but you're not sure you'll ever see again. promises of e-mails and phone calls and visits create sweet euphony with goodbyes, but who's to say which of those will be kept. but i'm prepared for that. you do your best, but one thing i've learned as i grow older is that people you expect never to see again reappear in your life in unexpected ways.

it's saying goodbye to the people whose relationship you're unsure about that sucks the most. a friend you've grown apart from, one with which the gap seems impossible to bridge. i'll miss yous will be exchanged, but will they be empty? will they really miss you or is it just something that sounds nice, when really they'll be almost glad to see you gone?

something i've learned a lot about this year is how difficult it is to repair unhealthy relationships. i'm not sure it can be done. it's unfortunate, because the more i see people come and go, the more i believe that when time is so short, differences should be put aside. in three weeks i may never see you again - can't we just enjoy the time we have?

i don't think there's anything more painful than a relationship that seems unfixable, no matter how much you want it to be back to what it was. and this is an impossible perspective from which to look at it. time and distance fix those problems; there's no forcing it. but faced with never seeing a person again, time and distance don't seem worth their salt. i want a band aid for a bullet wound, and i want it now.

the worst thing to face is that maybe the other person doesn't see in your friendship what they once saw, that they don't want to do any fixing. which makes that goodbye the worst kind.